Everything to do with being screwed up about body image.
I reach a point in my weight loss journey every single fucking time. It's a magical number apparently, one that evokes fear and loathing in my heart and head that turns off the "lets be healthy" switch and turns on the "eat everything in sight" button. It's just a number. I'm an accountant and numbers shouldn't scare me.
The number happens to correspond with the point where I get a little confidence back. Hmm to clarify confidence about how I look. I'm confident I'm a good person, confident at my work, confident I'm a good friend but have issues thinking I'm an attractive person. I like my face and there are good qualities even at my weight if I'm honest with myself but overall when I look in the mirror or look at pictures of myself I see a fat blob. However, once I hit this scary number I start to look at myself a bit different. This radiates confidence and as we all know confidence is sexy. So I go out like I normally do to the bars once every couple of weeks or so. The thing is NOW I'm feeling even snarkier and sassier then normal and yes apparently people react to that, both male and female. And now we get to the part where my brain wiring is seriously jacked - I freak out a little on the inside. Okay a lot on the inside. OMG attention!!!! Warning warning, sound the alarms, something wicked this way comes. Great, now not only do I have to be witty and charming to my friends I have to appear interesting to these other people and omg they're totally judging me and probably laughing at me. Yeah okay so it's probably not really all about me but in my head this is what I think. Case in point, I went out this past Friday with three of my girlfriends to a local bar. We were not overly dressed up but I was feeling confident and over the course of the evening several guys approached us and *gasp* some of those were coming over to chat with me. So then the next day or two I notice myself binging or at the very least heavily overeating. It's taken a while to put two and two together but I freak out that I'm losing my protective shield. In reality it has little to do with my weight and all to do with my damaged brain.
I guess this seems very odd considering I have several good and close friends and have dated several men. Granted, they were all the wrong types of men for me. Probably another defense mechanism if we want to go down that road of analysis. So what is it? What is making me afraid of attention to the point of stuffing my face to have a layer of fat as protection? I didn’t have a fucked up childhood, I have no real deep scars from relationships gone bad, I’m mentally balanced at least 80% of the time. What gives? I don’t have the answers for that yet but I plan on white knuckling it through this time and facing it head on. What’s the worse thing that could happen?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Single Vegan seeks Funny, Charming, No Children, and Herbivore
After a bit of a dry spell I’ve decided it’s time to throw myself back out to the world of dating and see how things go. I made it my New Year’s Resolution of 2008 to focus on myself this year. (God how Generation Y does that sound?) Part of my focus was to start figuring out what I really want out of life and I didn’t want a guy around muddying up my thoughts so while I wasn’t exactly beating people off with a stick to begin with I completely removed myself from the scene. Well dears after quite the long dry spell of no one buying me dinner, holding my hand or cuddling in bed it’s time. Of course, this is the first time I’ve really thought about dating since becoming vegan. While there are many aspects to me and I love being vegan, I just had no idea how much it would change my views on way more then just the food I eat. So now I ask, can I date an omnivore? Would I love to date a hot vegan guy? Of-freaking-course! However, while I know they’re out there I have not met any in Charlotte and a very brief perusal of a few online dating sites didn’t turn up any. So what’s a veggie girl to do?
I only have one friend who is a pescatarian and the rest are quite omnivore. I don’t love eating with them while they’re chowing down on a medium-rare steak but I don’t feel the need to make comments or gagging noises. I do expect respect for my choices and they are quite obliging, often checking with me before making plans to ensure that there are options for me if eating is involved. So how does this translate to dating, could I deal with it in that regard? I think so as long as there is a level of respect and understanding as to why I’ve made my choice. I have a pretty awesome sense of humor (eh hmm self-bragging) and can take jokes as well dish them on pretty much any topic but find myself annoyed by jokes about veganism. Trust me I’ve not heard a clever and/or original one yet. So could I handle it? – I think so if the guy is open-minded. Since I’ve accepted I’m never going to teach a virgin the ropes maybe I’ll make it a new goal to convert an omni to the enlightened side.
Oh, you ask what my plan is for rejoining the dating world? I’m still hoping the right guy will just magically appear on my door and I can avoid awkward first dates, clumsy kisses, and gosh should I call him or not thoughts. This hasn’t worked so well in the past so I’m considering searching online. I’ve looked a bit but no one has really grabbed my attention to date. I don't care to put my picture on any site right now so just waiting for someone interesting to come along. I’ve gotten a bit more active in the community and social areas lately as a way to meet new friends. Basically, it’s a just stay open to all options frame of mind. It’s amazing, since I decided this I’ve had conversations with several guys just because I’m smiley and willing to chat. It hasn’t led to anything yet but the flirting has been fun ;)
I only have one friend who is a pescatarian and the rest are quite omnivore. I don’t love eating with them while they’re chowing down on a medium-rare steak but I don’t feel the need to make comments or gagging noises. I do expect respect for my choices and they are quite obliging, often checking with me before making plans to ensure that there are options for me if eating is involved. So how does this translate to dating, could I deal with it in that regard? I think so as long as there is a level of respect and understanding as to why I’ve made my choice. I have a pretty awesome sense of humor (eh hmm self-bragging) and can take jokes as well dish them on pretty much any topic but find myself annoyed by jokes about veganism. Trust me I’ve not heard a clever and/or original one yet. So could I handle it? – I think so if the guy is open-minded. Since I’ve accepted I’m never going to teach a virgin the ropes maybe I’ll make it a new goal to convert an omni to the enlightened side.
Oh, you ask what my plan is for rejoining the dating world? I’m still hoping the right guy will just magically appear on my door and I can avoid awkward first dates, clumsy kisses, and gosh should I call him or not thoughts. This hasn’t worked so well in the past so I’m considering searching online. I’ve looked a bit but no one has really grabbed my attention to date. I don't care to put my picture on any site right now so just waiting for someone interesting to come along. I’ve gotten a bit more active in the community and social areas lately as a way to meet new friends. Basically, it’s a just stay open to all options frame of mind. It’s amazing, since I decided this I’ve had conversations with several guys just because I’m smiley and willing to chat. It hasn’t led to anything yet but the flirting has been fun ;)
Monday, July 28, 2008
Baked Eggplant Stacks with Roasted Tomato Sauce
I saw this recipe on Jaime’s blog and had to give it a try. It was a lot of freaking work and not the greatest idea for a hot day to have the oven on for so long! If you know me or notice the theme in some of my cooking anything that has pasta, tomatoes, onions or garlic in it is probably a winner in my world. Since this had 3 out of 4 I figured I had to give it a go. I liked it I really did but here are the modifications I’ll be making next time:
Use Dominex Eggplant Cutlets – I felt this recipe could’ve used a bit of a crunch and this would also cut down on part of the oven time.
Pasta Sauce – The sauce was good but not great to me. I think I’m partial to my own recipe using tomato sauce and paste out of the can with some fresh tomatoes tossed in. I like a chunky sauce. Using fresh tomatoes certainly cuts down on the sodium though. It also could have been the wine I used that made it a little subpar in my opinion. This again will cut down on prep and oven time.
Garlic Sauce – It was very yummy and I can see incorporating it into other dishes.
Overall a good dish but I don’t see making it according to the recipe again, but more of a Heather version. Though for the small amount of calories it certainly filled me up!
One serving is in my picture and contained
270 calories
2g fat
45g carbs
14g dietary fiber
11g protein
Use Dominex Eggplant Cutlets – I felt this recipe could’ve used a bit of a crunch and this would also cut down on part of the oven time.
Pasta Sauce – The sauce was good but not great to me. I think I’m partial to my own recipe using tomato sauce and paste out of the can with some fresh tomatoes tossed in. I like a chunky sauce. Using fresh tomatoes certainly cuts down on the sodium though. It also could have been the wine I used that made it a little subpar in my opinion. This again will cut down on prep and oven time.
Garlic Sauce – It was very yummy and I can see incorporating it into other dishes.
Overall a good dish but I don’t see making it according to the recipe again, but more of a Heather version. Though for the small amount of calories it certainly filled me up!
One serving is in my picture and contained
270 calories
2g fat
45g carbs
14g dietary fiber
11g protein
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The Stars Have Aligned
For once a gym schedule that works towards my whims! I really like yoga but due to my ample ass need some good cardio also. In comes the couch to 5k plan that I’ve been working on. Thus far I’m doing it on the treadmill but really hoping once I drop a few more pounds and get some new kicks (vegan shoes of course ;-) ) that I’ll take it to the streets. Though with running I find I need a day off in between. So finally the gym has yoga (with teachers I like) on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. This means I can run Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with yoga in between and a freebie or other activity on Sundays! Maybe this doesn’t seem so exciting to you dear reader but I thrive on schedules and structure and this makes me happy that it’s working out! And with any luck soon I’ll be able to do this: 
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
(Low) Fat Tuesday
Again from my dear friends that wrote Veganomicon a little gem. Creole stuffed peppers and messy rice. I omitted all the olive oil since it was just used to fry the veggies and did so in a non-stick pan. This is one of the most filling low-calorie, low-fat, high nutrient meals I've had ever! I wasn't even sure if I liked Black Eyed Peas oh okay back to the food. This was also a pretty quick meal for a work night and the leftovers were just as delish for lunch on Wednesday.
Nutrition (2 pepper halves and about 3/4 cup rice)
Calories - 387
Fat - 2g
Carb - 82g
Fiber - 13g
Protein - 14g
Minerals and nutrients - jammed freaking packed
Nutrition (2 pepper halves and about 3/4 cup rice)
Calories - 387
Fat - 2g
Carb - 82g
Fiber - 13g
Protein - 14g
Minerals and nutrients - jammed freaking packed
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Sharp White Cheddar Cheese Sauce Pasta
Okay this stuff is so good I had to have it for dinner also. Quick and easy dinner:
1 - Sautee yellow squash, zucchini, carrots, onions, garlic and rehydrated sundried tomatoes.
2 - Add fresh basil and oregano, chili flakes if you like spicy
3 - Throw in a Gardenburger or other fakin' chicken patty.
4 - Add cooked whole grain noodles and cheese sauce just to warm.
OMG goodness!
Broccoli Cheese Brushetta/Sandwich
From a cookbook in testing phase I made Broccoli Cheese Buschetta into a sandwich. It's a combo of wheat bread (Ezekiel), Sharp White Cheddar Cheese Sauce and Caramelized Broccoli. Other then cashew soaking time for the Cheese Sauce and cooking time for the broccoli it's a quick meal.
Sharp White Cheddar Cheese Sauce - This is eerily like regular cheese. A combo of cashews, tahini, nutritional yeast, lemon juice, garlic, and salt gives this a bit of a bite. I plan on using some of the leftovers for a cheesy pasta sauce with veggies and as a pizza sauce.
Caramelized Broccoli - slow cooking broccoli with onions, dried chili flakes (I used twice the recommended because I like hotness), and EVOO gave broccoli a whole new taste. It's worth the hour cooking time and stirring every 10-15 minutes. I was eating it right out of the pan! Next time I'll use less EVOO as it added too much fat and too many calories for my liking. Some is of course necessary to cook for such a long time.
For my sandwich I just used about 2 oz of the cheese sauce, two pieces of bread and broccoli. Used medium heat in a cast-iron skillet and cooked like a grilled cheese. It was incredibly filling and I'll definitely make again. This really would make a great appetizer if served on fancy bread open faced.
Sharp White Cheddar Cheese Sauce - This is eerily like regular cheese. A combo of cashews, tahini, nutritional yeast, lemon juice, garlic, and salt gives this a bit of a bite. I plan on using some of the leftovers for a cheesy pasta sauce with veggies and as a pizza sauce.
Caramelized Broccoli - slow cooking broccoli with onions, dried chili flakes (I used twice the recommended because I like hotness), and EVOO gave broccoli a whole new taste. It's worth the hour cooking time and stirring every 10-15 minutes. I was eating it right out of the pan! Next time I'll use less EVOO as it added too much fat and too many calories for my liking. Some is of course necessary to cook for such a long time.
For my sandwich I just used about 2 oz of the cheese sauce, two pieces of bread and broccoli. Used medium heat in a cast-iron skillet and cooked like a grilled cheese. It was incredibly filling and I'll definitely make again. This really would make a great appetizer if served on fancy bread open faced.
Estimated Nutritonal Info for Sandwich:
Calories - 450
Fat - 22 grams (3 saturated)
Carbs - 55 grams
Fiber - 14 grams
Protein - 18 grams
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